Cat out of the bag. Ton of bricks dropped. Yes, it’s true after almost 4 full years; I can’t believe it’s been that long. Seems like it was just the other day I was living in Bakersfield in a house with my office with the window that faced the street and I first stumbled on to myspace. The idea of blogging seemed strange and novel at the time and I laugh when I read back to first dozen or so blogs. They’re all about music or making music or things that just happened to be going on during that time. Most of that first year of blogging, 2005-2006, was all sort of banal subjects or me talking politics or just whatever was on my mind at the time. Then it all rapidly changed in June 2006 when my 2 year long relationship imploded. Then it became a confessional. It became a way to survive. I felt so broken inside for so long.
The blog became a sort of immersion therapy. It became a way to make my feelings known. To let friends see what I was dealing with at any given moment. Sober, drunk, loaded, unloaded, happy, miserable, all the while dealing with my broken heart. The blog became a tool by which to better understand myself. It’s weird to look too, if you go back over all the old archives, the waves, the peaks and valleys, and all the while; the constant yearning, the broken heart, the melancholy. It has always been touch and go, at best and it’s been a lot of miles. There are parts of my life that were very extreme. Either very happy or very sad and it’s all been documented on here.
I’ve always said and practiced the fact that I indeed do wear my heart on my sleeve. Every feeling, every moment, every embarrassment, every new relationship or old ones that imploded; I’ve discussed here. Every childhood memory of childhood despair.
Then we must flashback to the summer of 2008. I call it inevitably growing up a little but also, with the aid of the tremendously beautiful HBO show called Six Feet Under, I start to feel a change coming. I begin to understand that it’s all right who I am. That in actuality I’m really a good person that just is too honest and emotionally honest. That comes from the whole argument of not understanding the concept of emotional boundaries as a child that had a less than stellar upbringing.
I finally gain the understanding that we are not guaranteed tomorrow in this life and this life is all there is. The people in our lives better be people well worth having around and this meant for me, cutting a few lose that weren’t really healthy people to have as friends. I learn that the only ways we live on after we’re dead is either through our children or the memories and love we leave behind to the people in our lives. I learned that you need to properly gauge what in this life you want. What kind of life do you want? I learned that what I want is to live a good life and not hurt anyone. That what I want is to be loved and love a girl equally. I learned that you should what get you pay into people. That what I want are children. Happiness.
And I learned that these things are not easy to come by. They are not guaranteed but I’ve learned that I am able and willing to work for these things. Better than that, I realized I deserve a little happiness myself. No need to always want to be the big nothing. It’s taken me years and it’s a daily process but I’ve slowly let go the guilt I carried around. And when you look back at 4 years of blogs, you can see that this struggle was not easy.
I believe change is good even when it hurts like hell or is scary or ventures into unknown directories. I believe that we all have a karmic debt we pay into and detract from. I believe sooner or later karma will come to collect if you’ve done something bad. Which is why I try to live an honest life. It’s taken me this long to learn these things. I’m sprinting towards 30 scared as hell of the world out there, but longing to meet it headlong anyway.
I think at a certain age, for me it’s been this year that you basically become the person you’re always going to be. I’m always going to be this boy who wears his heart on his sleeve and awes the wonder of beauty in this world. Age after a time literally just becomes another number when your experiences that make you or your personality, or your beauty, will always be self evident. I had this conversation the other day where my friend and I recently discovered that we’re actually pretty cool as people and very in tune with our feelings and likes and dislikes. It took long enough.
Most people never find themselves and I’m fortunate to have at least acknowledged that my whole life. All the while, revealing more and more about myself to myself along the way. Putting more of the puzzle pieces together as I go. I’m an intelligent sensitive human with a lot of love to give. Now, group hug.
We go through this life and no one’s perfect. It seems like many people are unhappy. I find myself that often. But I look for ways to change it. Or I at least acknowledge and understand that the thing making me unhappy is something I know is bad for me. We owe it to ourselves as sons and daughters of this brittle round world to find happiness. If we are the person or the thing bringing the unhappiness to the other person or thing; we should understand when we are cut lose. We should know that sometimes the hardest lesson of love is knowing that really loving someone sometimes is letting them go.
I realized I have bared my soul nakedly the past 4 years on this site. The blog and site itself in recent months has hit a spike in amount of views of visits. Someone out there is reading this thing and I can only hope in some way they’ve learned something from me. I can only say that this thing is like something I want to walk away from but I don’t know if I will ever be able to.
As people we grow every day. We listen with our hearts. We face the wind and we wait. We make use of this life. Find it. What other tale to tell is there? Find it. Are you there? Do you see? Our hearts are pure. All intentions served as good and just. Our innocence should not go unnoticed nor unchecked. For this is my heart. These are the things I can offer. Write down in the ledger book of time where you were and where you are going. Draw for me, baby, a map of the world and point to me where we are. Write your name in the moist sand and watch the ocean reclaim. I’ve got naught to do but wait.
Dream for me the world anew and make it just so. Remember. Make a litany of your love. Polish the stones with your memory. Sing for me those sparrow songs. Cast your doubt aside. Wake me from my slumber with a kiss. Wipe the dust from my brain.
Keep me in your heart for a while.
