I dread the thought to think of who I was or who I will be without you. I surrender my heart and all my armies and even the moon and sun, just to be in your arms again. Our sacred garden. Our little family. I loved you in Texas and I loved you when I was throwing up the mornings after. I love you now and I’ll love you straight through. Let the bridges wash out. Let the tidal waves come. Burn down the cities, you and me, we can always go on the run. And I come to you now and beg to bathe your feet. I come to you now as the man you love. As the shade from the tree. As the tears of hope. As this long filled desire. You are each and every dream. You are each hunger and kiss and each dream I do not want to wake from. I want to lie with you in the shade of the pines and dream up our new world together. I want for you to take me in your arms just so and place your hand in my and place your cheek to mine and tell me we will always have this, be this, feel this love. And I will tell you of the sorrows I no longer have. The sorrows you helped to slay. I will kiss you for each day you’ve been alive, for each day yet to be. I will hold you in my arms while the soldiers overtake the cities and burn books in the courtyards. Come what may, I am the man who loves and my back is strong, my will stronger, my love stronger yet. With you I have the heart of a tugboat. You are every song I’ve ever sung. You are each tear I cried from happiness that was, that is yet to be. And I see you in my dreams, in the royal gardens with all the colors and flowers alight. Holding a child in your arms, wearing all white. The birds singing their song, our song, god’s song. And I’ve found peace and I’ve found peace in you and I’ve found peace I will not let go of. You are every moment and every dream and every prayer I’ve uttered softly to the midnights. And you are no ghost and you are no phantom you are beauty alive and to me you are the world entire so set astride with me down this road and love me until we are gone gone gone from this world.
This was a journey I had long wanted but was unprepared for.
You are absolutely, the love of my life and my life and heart is yours.
Babydoll.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
the beginning of my 30th year
Maybe in a sense, we’re all a little bit crazy. I know, I myself, have a few screws loose, but most of you wouldn’t have me any other way. At any other time. To start your life over at 37 must be something so difficult I cannot even imagine the rate and depth. Just really to start your life over at any age is hard and a lot of the time scary. For me, it’s like I am just finally starting my life at the ripe old age of 30. So many things have changed, so many things changing, so many good things happening.
It really feels like for the first time in my life I am happy genuinely and without condition or restraint. Don’t know if you know this or not, but things are a lot better happy than when you’re unhappy. Simple things, like eating a meal are actually enjoyable. In a sense it’s funny that I just turned 30 and am sort of growing up a little. Remember, I’m the boy who always said he’d stay young and dumb inside. It’s funny because I am a 30 year old man who still loves Batman and watching the occasional vintage wrestling match. I still have a hard time sleeping away from home or, for that matter, sleeping at all. But I’ve always been that way. Even when I was a child. Just always a beast who always had problems falling and staying asleep.
Have you ever gone to the library and taken a look at the newspapers from the day you were born? You know the ones on microfilm that you have to spin the thing for each new page. I did that once. Long ago. When I was younger, like from the ages of 18-21 I was very poor. I never really had a job. I just loafed about toiling away my days at the junior college. I literally lived off of 2 dollars a day. That and the trade my friends would get from the radio station they worked at for the awful John’s Burgers. But 2 dollars a day meant I could get 2 whopper juniors at Burger King or any variant of the 99 cent menu. I walked everywhere because I didn’t have a car. I hardly slept. I spent most of my time hanging out with people that I thought I’d be friends with forever. It turns out that wasn’t the case, but still. In those times, they were the most important people in my life. Shit, they were my laugh. In a way, I look back on those days fondly, as the salad days of my life. True, I was excruciatingly poor and hungry all the time, but I was free. I did whatever I wanted. Wrote countless songs and stories and poems. Slept little or too much. Read all the time and watched movies like there was no tomorrow. A simple life. A poor life. But I believed in my Buddhist way that that was how you found peace or god or happiness or artistry.
But I also spent a lot of time at the library. This was in the days before DSL or high speed internet was affordable, so I’d go to the library to do my webbing. So one day I decided to see what was going on in the world when I was born. I just remember being surprised how many drive in movie theaters there was in Bakersfield at that time. Also the Gas Shortage thing was going on. Something to do with Iran and gas rationing. Nothing much of note that happened. Much like my birthdays to be.
Of course around your birthday you start to think about aging and maybe even a little about death and what that’s like. But also, I thought about my kids. I wonder how they’ll be. What kind of personalities will they have? Will they even like me? Do I have enough love to give them? Will I be a total fuckup or will he like Batman also? Will he/she like music and film as much as me? Will they be jocks? You do little things too. Like you wonder what color their eyes will be. Color of hair. Will you be blessed and they take after you looks wise or will you be screwed and they take after their grandparents. I’m getting older and it’s natural to wonder about these things. And it’s a wondrous thought indeed, but thought provoking nonetheless.
Like you wonder if they’d get along with their siblings. I didn’t get along with mine in the least bit. Mostly you just wonder if you’ll be enough. That’s a thought that comes around often enough.
Have you ever met that person that sets your heart ablaze? I have.
Have you ever kissed someone just so, and the world seemed righted at last? I have.
The beginning and ending of each day for me are the same. I think of her. Wonder where she is, how she is. And why she isn’t with you. Inside I feel so alive, so grateful I am given this chance, this person. Someone who’s eyes sends shivers down my spine. I once was the tale of the big nothing filled with emptiness. Now I’m like someone who was in the water flailing about and someone has thrown me a preserver and pulled me out of the current. The big nothing now filled with love and tenderness and days upon days of smiles and laughter. Sometimes I feel like the words just don’t come through or come out right and there is no real way to say how thankful I am to know this person. To love this person. To have this person love me. But I am. I am and I am. Forever indebted to her. The woman of my dreams. The answer to my prayers. No more throw away mornings. No more regrettable nights. Sometimes when she is in my arms, I think of how lucky I am how lucky I am, how lucky I am. 9-10 years ago, I’d thought none of this possible.
This happiness. This twist in the tale. This love.
And now the moon is out. I am longing for her again. Every time she leaves…
I guess I began to think about kids when I read The Road for the first time back in 2006. The relationship the father and son have in that book is something of pure unadulterated love. A love I only imagined, didn’t know was possible.
Bruce Springsteen Book of Dreams
I'm standing in the backyardListening to the party InsideTonight I'm drinkin' in the forgivenessThis life providesThe scars we carry remain but the pain slips away it seemsOh won't you baby be in my book of dreamsI'm watchin' you through the windowWith your girlfriends from back homeYou're showin' off your dressThere's laughter and a toastFrom your daddy to the prettiest bride he's ever seenOh won't you baby be in my book of dreamsIn the darkness my fingers slip across your skinI feel your sweet replyThe room fades away and suddenly I'm way up highJust holdin' you to meAs through the window the moonlight streamsOh won't you baby be in my book of dreamsNow the ritual begins'Neath the wedding garland we meet as strangersThe dance floor is alive with beautyMystery and dangerWe dance out 'neath the stars' ancient light into the darkening trees
It really feels like for the first time in my life I am happy genuinely and without condition or restraint. Don’t know if you know this or not, but things are a lot better happy than when you’re unhappy. Simple things, like eating a meal are actually enjoyable. In a sense it’s funny that I just turned 30 and am sort of growing up a little. Remember, I’m the boy who always said he’d stay young and dumb inside. It’s funny because I am a 30 year old man who still loves Batman and watching the occasional vintage wrestling match. I still have a hard time sleeping away from home or, for that matter, sleeping at all. But I’ve always been that way. Even when I was a child. Just always a beast who always had problems falling and staying asleep.
Have you ever gone to the library and taken a look at the newspapers from the day you were born? You know the ones on microfilm that you have to spin the thing for each new page. I did that once. Long ago. When I was younger, like from the ages of 18-21 I was very poor. I never really had a job. I just loafed about toiling away my days at the junior college. I literally lived off of 2 dollars a day. That and the trade my friends would get from the radio station they worked at for the awful John’s Burgers. But 2 dollars a day meant I could get 2 whopper juniors at Burger King or any variant of the 99 cent menu. I walked everywhere because I didn’t have a car. I hardly slept. I spent most of my time hanging out with people that I thought I’d be friends with forever. It turns out that wasn’t the case, but still. In those times, they were the most important people in my life. Shit, they were my laugh. In a way, I look back on those days fondly, as the salad days of my life. True, I was excruciatingly poor and hungry all the time, but I was free. I did whatever I wanted. Wrote countless songs and stories and poems. Slept little or too much. Read all the time and watched movies like there was no tomorrow. A simple life. A poor life. But I believed in my Buddhist way that that was how you found peace or god or happiness or artistry.
But I also spent a lot of time at the library. This was in the days before DSL or high speed internet was affordable, so I’d go to the library to do my webbing. So one day I decided to see what was going on in the world when I was born. I just remember being surprised how many drive in movie theaters there was in Bakersfield at that time. Also the Gas Shortage thing was going on. Something to do with Iran and gas rationing. Nothing much of note that happened. Much like my birthdays to be.
Of course around your birthday you start to think about aging and maybe even a little about death and what that’s like. But also, I thought about my kids. I wonder how they’ll be. What kind of personalities will they have? Will they even like me? Do I have enough love to give them? Will I be a total fuckup or will he like Batman also? Will he/she like music and film as much as me? Will they be jocks? You do little things too. Like you wonder what color their eyes will be. Color of hair. Will you be blessed and they take after you looks wise or will you be screwed and they take after their grandparents. I’m getting older and it’s natural to wonder about these things. And it’s a wondrous thought indeed, but thought provoking nonetheless.
Like you wonder if they’d get along with their siblings. I didn’t get along with mine in the least bit. Mostly you just wonder if you’ll be enough. That’s a thought that comes around often enough.
Have you ever met that person that sets your heart ablaze? I have.
Have you ever kissed someone just so, and the world seemed righted at last? I have.
The beginning and ending of each day for me are the same. I think of her. Wonder where she is, how she is. And why she isn’t with you. Inside I feel so alive, so grateful I am given this chance, this person. Someone who’s eyes sends shivers down my spine. I once was the tale of the big nothing filled with emptiness. Now I’m like someone who was in the water flailing about and someone has thrown me a preserver and pulled me out of the current. The big nothing now filled with love and tenderness and days upon days of smiles and laughter. Sometimes I feel like the words just don’t come through or come out right and there is no real way to say how thankful I am to know this person. To love this person. To have this person love me. But I am. I am and I am. Forever indebted to her. The woman of my dreams. The answer to my prayers. No more throw away mornings. No more regrettable nights. Sometimes when she is in my arms, I think of how lucky I am how lucky I am, how lucky I am. 9-10 years ago, I’d thought none of this possible.
This happiness. This twist in the tale. This love.
And now the moon is out. I am longing for her again. Every time she leaves…
I guess I began to think about kids when I read The Road for the first time back in 2006. The relationship the father and son have in that book is something of pure unadulterated love. A love I only imagined, didn’t know was possible.
Bruce Springsteen Book of Dreams
I'm standing in the backyardListening to the party InsideTonight I'm drinkin' in the forgivenessThis life providesThe scars we carry remain but the pain slips away it seemsOh won't you baby be in my book of dreamsI'm watchin' you through the windowWith your girlfriends from back homeYou're showin' off your dressThere's laughter and a toastFrom your daddy to the prettiest bride he's ever seenOh won't you baby be in my book of dreamsIn the darkness my fingers slip across your skinI feel your sweet replyThe room fades away and suddenly I'm way up highJust holdin' you to meAs through the window the moonlight streamsOh won't you baby be in my book of dreamsNow the ritual begins'Neath the wedding garland we meet as strangersThe dance floor is alive with beautyMystery and dangerWe dance out 'neath the stars' ancient light into the darkening trees
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
god bless our love
Unfortunately, a lot of my time recently has been utilized doing things like converting dvd’s to the new ipod I bought myself for reaching the age 30. As I’ve stated before, I never thought I’d get to this age, or if I did, I never thought in about 1,000 19999 years, I’d be happy and spend most of everyday feeling pretty good. Pretty normal. I had an ipod in the past, like the 2nd generation ones, and they weren’t great, even though it was an 80gb one, it constantly didn’t work right. It was a green screen without color. No video. Well the new one I bought myself is amazing. 160 gigs and I still haven’t filled but 40 gigs maybe.
I’ve been spending my time ripping cds, ripping movies, podcasts, loading loading loading up. In a couple of days I turn 30. have I mentioned that yet? And we’re headed to Los Angeles, to catch the Getty, the Museum of Tolerance, and the Griffith Observatory. Also, for whatever reason and god bless her, Rochelle wants to see the town of my birth. So that’s on the agenda for the first couple of hours. I mean, there isn’t much to see. And anyway, I am going to be back there in Mid-August. Well actually early August, for Jordan’s wedding and then in late August where I will be permanent until the New Year.
I should also note that my days have been spent so happily and blessed; most of you would not recognize me anymore. That boy I was, the suicide kid, he’s gone. I am filled with a love I am filled with love I am filled with a love that transcends any day or night, nor falter of the heart. This woman I love, I’d swear she carved the Grand Canyon. She painted the sky with stars. She laid down the grid work. She is the equator. And here I am these days. Wondering at the luck.
Earlier tonight I drew a picture with a heart that said: Share. Believe. This life is ours. My heart is open. Inside the drawing of the heart is a single eyeball. Peering out.
I used to write that I once I was young and now I am old. But the truth is once I was young and I now am getting older with love in my life that makes me feel young as I am probably am. And Lennon makes all the more sense to me. This man has been a part of my life since birth. When I was less than 6 months old he was killed. My whole life my mother and father talked about John Lennon. All you need is love. Imagine no religion. I don’t believe in anything but Yoko and me. And suddenly, something I’d long studied makes sense. There is a reason, for all these years, I wanted to name one of my children Lennon. His sense of his family. His little family. This love. That love. We can change the world. It’s in all of our hearts. It’s in mine. It’s in hers.
In a way, I am sorry it’s so anti-climactic. All I want is this peace I’ve found to last and last. Maybe the man you watched all along wondering what’s next won’t like what’s next in the context of my life. Because all I ever wanted was to feel all right.
And now I am.
What was it you all wanted? My blood? You already knew my heart. I hope you know it still.
God is a concept, By which we can measure, Our pain, I'll say it again, God is a concept, By which we can measure, Our pain, I don't believe in magic, I don't believe in I-ching, I don't believe in bible, I don't believe in tarot, I don't believe in Hitler, I don't believe in Jesus, I don't believe in Kennedy, I don't believe in Buddha, I don't believe in mantra, I don't believe in Gita, I don't believe in yoga, I don't believe in kings, I don't believe in Elvis, I don't believe in Zimmerman, I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me, Yoko and me, And that's reality. The dream is over, What can I say? The dream is over, Yesterday, I was dreamweaver, But now I'm reborn, I was the walrus, But now I'm John, And so dear friends, You just have to carry on, The dream is over.
I’ve been spending my time ripping cds, ripping movies, podcasts, loading loading loading up. In a couple of days I turn 30. have I mentioned that yet? And we’re headed to Los Angeles, to catch the Getty, the Museum of Tolerance, and the Griffith Observatory. Also, for whatever reason and god bless her, Rochelle wants to see the town of my birth. So that’s on the agenda for the first couple of hours. I mean, there isn’t much to see. And anyway, I am going to be back there in Mid-August. Well actually early August, for Jordan’s wedding and then in late August where I will be permanent until the New Year.
I should also note that my days have been spent so happily and blessed; most of you would not recognize me anymore. That boy I was, the suicide kid, he’s gone. I am filled with a love I am filled with love I am filled with a love that transcends any day or night, nor falter of the heart. This woman I love, I’d swear she carved the Grand Canyon. She painted the sky with stars. She laid down the grid work. She is the equator. And here I am these days. Wondering at the luck.
Earlier tonight I drew a picture with a heart that said: Share. Believe. This life is ours. My heart is open. Inside the drawing of the heart is a single eyeball. Peering out.
I used to write that I once I was young and now I am old. But the truth is once I was young and I now am getting older with love in my life that makes me feel young as I am probably am. And Lennon makes all the more sense to me. This man has been a part of my life since birth. When I was less than 6 months old he was killed. My whole life my mother and father talked about John Lennon. All you need is love. Imagine no religion. I don’t believe in anything but Yoko and me. And suddenly, something I’d long studied makes sense. There is a reason, for all these years, I wanted to name one of my children Lennon. His sense of his family. His little family. This love. That love. We can change the world. It’s in all of our hearts. It’s in mine. It’s in hers.
In a way, I am sorry it’s so anti-climactic. All I want is this peace I’ve found to last and last. Maybe the man you watched all along wondering what’s next won’t like what’s next in the context of my life. Because all I ever wanted was to feel all right.
And now I am.
What was it you all wanted? My blood? You already knew my heart. I hope you know it still.
God is a concept, By which we can measure, Our pain, I'll say it again, God is a concept, By which we can measure, Our pain, I don't believe in magic, I don't believe in I-ching, I don't believe in bible, I don't believe in tarot, I don't believe in Hitler, I don't believe in Jesus, I don't believe in Kennedy, I don't believe in Buddha, I don't believe in mantra, I don't believe in Gita, I don't believe in yoga, I don't believe in kings, I don't believe in Elvis, I don't believe in Zimmerman, I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me, Yoko and me, And that's reality. The dream is over, What can I say? The dream is over, Yesterday, I was dreamweaver, But now I'm reborn, I was the walrus, But now I'm John, And so dear friends, You just have to carry on, The dream is over.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
diary
Dear Rochelle. It’s almost 1 in the morning. The night for this early June is awfully cool for this time of year. So unexpected. Such a delight. I can hear the leaves blowing in the wind. Hear the branches dancing. The moon is shrouded by clouds, but it is there. The roads stand silent and dark. Black against the night. The little sparrowhawks are gliding under the street lights catching the bugs. The dog sits next to me, looking at me. Waiting for you. Looking at me waiting for you.
In 12 days I turn 30. It was no easy feat and I am still surprised daily anew at this twist of events. This turn around. This newly found love for life and the daily quest to make it some permanent, not some transitory thing. The age 30. It’s funny as a child I didn’t know what turning 30 meant and in a way; I still don’t. I’m getting older. I’ve run some hard miles. I’ve waited so long. I spent so many nights sad, locked away from the world. Now we are a part of it. Tonight, the world is still, love. And my arms are empty.
There are times in my dreams where you are just slightly out of reach. Or there is someone trying harm you and I try my best to put a stop to it. There are times in the waking world as well. It seems all my life I was waiting for you brown hair and all, to come and spend the days laughing. Peaceful. Sleeping. Loving. And here you are.
In 12 days I am 30. In the months and years after---what then? What will we see? Who will we be? Is there any waking from this dream?
Sometimes it’s something as simple as a hairbrush on the sink that isn’t mine. Or that stray long dark hair in the sinkbowl. Other times it’s our toothbrushes kissing in the cup. Side by side. Or a pair of shoes left behind. The crumpled unmade bed where you and I have spent so many laughing times. Sometimes it’s waking around dawn and seeing your face sleeping next to mine and just when I start to despair and feel like you’re 1000 miles away; you awake and you take my hand, place it on your belly….
Right now, the only things I need are:
Your Kiss.
A good pair of shoes.
maybe some bread and wine to carry along with us down this road.
The little desert bats are flying around in this low lying twilight. Children laughing across the street. Children laughing within me. You are my blood brother. My Tom Sawyer. My Huck Finn. My headlight miracle, my flashlight dream.
My heart.
In 12 days I turn 30. It was no easy feat and I am still surprised daily anew at this twist of events. This turn around. This newly found love for life and the daily quest to make it some permanent, not some transitory thing. The age 30. It’s funny as a child I didn’t know what turning 30 meant and in a way; I still don’t. I’m getting older. I’ve run some hard miles. I’ve waited so long. I spent so many nights sad, locked away from the world. Now we are a part of it. Tonight, the world is still, love. And my arms are empty.
There are times in my dreams where you are just slightly out of reach. Or there is someone trying harm you and I try my best to put a stop to it. There are times in the waking world as well. It seems all my life I was waiting for you brown hair and all, to come and spend the days laughing. Peaceful. Sleeping. Loving. And here you are.
In 12 days I am 30. In the months and years after---what then? What will we see? Who will we be? Is there any waking from this dream?
Sometimes it’s something as simple as a hairbrush on the sink that isn’t mine. Or that stray long dark hair in the sinkbowl. Other times it’s our toothbrushes kissing in the cup. Side by side. Or a pair of shoes left behind. The crumpled unmade bed where you and I have spent so many laughing times. Sometimes it’s waking around dawn and seeing your face sleeping next to mine and just when I start to despair and feel like you’re 1000 miles away; you awake and you take my hand, place it on your belly….
Right now, the only things I need are:
Your Kiss.
A good pair of shoes.
maybe some bread and wine to carry along with us down this road.
The little desert bats are flying around in this low lying twilight. Children laughing across the street. Children laughing within me. You are my blood brother. My Tom Sawyer. My Huck Finn. My headlight miracle, my flashlight dream.
My heart.
Friday, June 5, 2009
this mountain
I’m sitting here now and
the daylight is all but gone.
Just a faint glow of blue
Just a faint glow of blue
outside of the window.
There’s a tree growing somewhere---
There’s a tree growing somewhere---
I don’t know why I just had
that thought
But
There is a tree growing somewhere
& the beats of the wings of birds
But
There is a tree growing somewhere
& the beats of the wings of birds
perhaps an insect
flying in the wind
& these things are happening
in the world
& somewhere a wave roils
& rolls & builds
& hits the sand
with that selfsame crash
echoingall down
the coastline.
I poke open the curtains
I poke open the curtains
you have been away
from my arms
far too long---love
& my dog is watching the street
where nothing moves
save the wind.
In this post-sundown world
In this post-sundown world
I am ever much a part of you
as you are of me
& the two become so fused
they hardly become
recognizable.
Is this what they see?
When they see us or they see me or they see you
Is this what they see?
When they see us or they see me or they see you
they just see us.
Like one is not imagined
Like one is not imagined
without the other.
Somewhere a child laughs
Somewhere else another is conceived.
Somewhere a man sitsin a room
Somewhere a child laughs
Somewhere else another is conceived.
Somewhere a man sitsin a room
with oak paneling
Bowing a cello.
This
Bowing a cello.
This
is
the
world
& there you are
I want to parade you
aroundlike the newest kill
& watch as the boys
grow ill with envy
thumb in their pockets
sharpen their knives
wait for me to trip up.
Around here,
Around here,
the quail have all birthed their young
& you can watch them run,
Birds and their trees,
Birds and their trees,
don’t know if I’ve said this much
but most birds
are monogamous choosing one partner
for their short
feathered lives.
& I love you the best.
I rob the trains.
I chase down the Wells Fargo Stagecoach.
We burn the churches
& I love you the best.
I rob the trains.
I chase down the Wells Fargo Stagecoach.
We burn the churches
in the village square for you.
We watch as the enemy
We watch as the enemy
stuffs the powder
& ball into the cannon
& sends their spark
into the night.
All becauseI haveyou.
Many years from now
All becauseI haveyou.
Many years from now
or many days
may we rest on some long
hot afternoon
in the shade
You’re smiling’cos I said
You’re smiling’cos I said
god made the way of the world
this
and no other.
when i'm gone
So let’s take the time to stretch our newly found legs and newly found freedom for a bit. After using Myspace for 4 years as a place to house my music, my blogs, the poetry of my heart, I had to shut it down. It got to the point where people who weren’t strong enough to just ignore me and my writing, kept on and kept on reading and making issues out of non-issues. I’ve always said and I’ve always felt that I write as though no one is reading or else I couldn’t write at all and I’ve always said that I can write about whatever I want and so I did. I said horrible things about myself, about my family, my country, ex-lovers. Now we come to recent history where there have been things going on, relationships ending, relationships beginning and those who don’t even know me began to spy and pry incessantly.
Normally I am okay with it and I was for a long time. If I remember correctly back on May 4th I decided to move the blog to avoid stepping on anyone’s toes and it was a rather hard decision to make. At the time, I didn’t move it. I kept on and stuck to my principles which are I’m going to write and you can do whatever the hell you want with it. Well people couldn’t control themselves and though I do have the bad habit of stirring the shit every once and a while; I really tried to stay true to myself and the woman I love and keep on track and just go on living. Which is exactly what we’re doing, but these other people are not. They’re either stuck in some past that isn’t there anymore or they’re just torturing themselves for no reason. The point being is that they were seeking me out, not vice versa and their feelings were hurt and they made up things that didn’t happen and decided in their own minds who I am.
The funny thing is that I kept it so light until the end there. I live my life by a certain standard and at this old age and after living for as long as I have, as unhappy as I was, I don’t have time for anger or drama in my life now. I just don’t. And I get angry at myself for getting angry and allowing those negative feelings to drown out my reason and I posted things in anger that I shouldn’t have. Though I also posted something rather inspirational and understanding, all anyone wants to see is the negative side reflected.
It’s a weird thing that happens that I’ve been talking about for a while now with our whole retarded double standard ridden society. None of us want to be judged, yet these people feel all the need in the world to judge others and then when you hold up the mirror in front of their face you’re the world’s biggest asshole. And this is a problem with lots of people, not just these few I am now speaking. Our entire society judges women on the way they look, especially if they’re on tv, and we all want to cast our judging eyes outward yet we’ve hardly the strength to look within to see how we’re actually behaving ourselves. That being said, I have really been on my best behavior throughout this whole stupid boring ordeal, give or take a couple of nights in anger where I posted some stupid things, to later take them down. I really have tried to live my life and be the bigger person and just let it all slide. I mean, haven’t we personally been through enough bullshit in this life?
Does life last forever? No, it does not and we are getting older and some people need to get a fucking clue and get over themselves and understand that this isn’t something that’s just happening and some passing thing. It’s real and here.
I’ve spent a good part of my life dealing with my own anger. Anger at myself mostly, but also friends, family, this country and I’ve come to the point now where I don’t have time for it. I don’t want it in my life. I spent so long being sad and angry at myself, at the world; I now realize that was all time wasted.
Though I did wait just long enough to find the right one. And find the right one I did.
And let me tell you, friends, she’s more than even I could have dreamed and I’ve spent my whole life in a dream that I always trying to grasp, but she is a dream one does not wake from because she is real. And let me tell you about her.
First is that she is completely amazingly beautiful. She makes me feel at home within my own skin which no one has ever done before. She has taught me how to smile. She shows me the world is not a cruel and random thing. That all is not chaos and there is rhyme and there is reason. Her eyes send arrows of beauty and life and light into my once very darkened heart. My heart was once a room without doors or windows where no light penetrated and no one could enter nor exit. She tore down those walls. She has taught me the meanings of love. She lays with her head on my chest just so and she’ll laugh when I say something dumb and when we’re together, it’s like no one else even exists and time itself seems to halt. The first night I spent with her was downtown amongst thousands of spectators though I only noticed the one. and she did as well.
We don’t really do much other than be together and it’s so organic and simple and it was even from the first time so natural. She’ll touch my arm and all is warm and all is well and the heart flutters flutters flutters. We have a hard time trying to watch tv or a movie at home because other things start to happen, what seems like always. She’s bright. She’s funny. Most importantly she’s got such a good heart and such a wonderful soul and all of my belief is in this person and in the reality that this will work. I’ve got a strong back and my mind is fit. I can labor on and on for you babydoll and I will.
It’s now June 5th. In 22 days I turn 30. A big feat going to be tackled. We’re going to do some traveling. She wants to see where I was born. I want to show her the town of my birth. The town that haunts me yet and carries over into every song or every word I write or world I dream. I want this life to begin, I am ready. 30 years gone. Man, what a thought. 30 years gone that aren’t coming back. 30 years. A lot can happen, a lot has happened. I’ve lived and I’ve died and been born again and again. I say out loud to no one in particular, thank you for that sun. Thank you for my time on this earth. Thank you for knowing me. Thank you for loving me. I am so fortunate to be alive and I am ready for this world. I am ready to grow old. I am ready to watch our children run around. I say thank you for the birds. Thank you for that blue sky. Thank you for helping me cope with my broken heart. Thank you for not letting me die all those times I tried and willed it. God, I am willing now do not let me go do not let me down.
So I haven’t given up hope but I feel like I should mention it. My cat, Thelonius Monkey has been gone for 5 days now and I don’t know if he’s coming back. There are coyotes here and there a lot of cats too but he went out Sunday morning and hasn’t been back. This cat, one tough motherfucker, who just turned 5 and lived with me in probably 5 different towns and cities. My cat. My buddy. My tough motherfucker who used to bring home birds and kangaroo rats and any other god damned thing. I love you, buddy. Please come back.
Thinking of that and all of what I’ve typed I sort of came up with the beginning of my funeral playlist. I know it’s a little morbid but I think it’s important think about it and get it out there. Especially if something happens to you. It’s important to talk about what you want done with your body if you die. How you want to be buried and cremated. Or whether or not you want to be left on life-support indefinitely. If you want your organs to be donated. For me, I want my organs donated, I want to be cremated and spread across the Carrizo Plain. Do not keep me on some machine. Let me go. But anyway, here’s the list so far.
Sleepwalk---Santo and Johnny.
What a Wonderful World---Louis Armstrong
Imagine---John Lennon
Man of the Hour---Pearl Jam.
Keep Me in Your Heart---Warren Zevon
Pancho and Lefty---Townes Van Zandt.
remember the mountain bed---wilco (as written by my beloved woody guthrie)
(Maybe as a joke Pop that pussy by 2 live crew and With Arms wide open by Creed)
Well.
D
Shadows are fallin' and I'm runnin' out of breath
Keep me in your heart for a while
If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for a while
When you get up in the mornin' and you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for a while
There's a train leavin' nightly called "When All is Said and Done"
Keep me in your heart for a while
Sha-lalala-lala-li-lalala-lo
Keep me in your heart for a while
Sha-lalala-lala-li-lalala-lo
Keep me in your heart for a while
Sometimes when you're doin' simple things around the house
Maybe you'll think of me and smile
You know I'm tied to you like the buttons on your blouse
Keep me in your heart for a while
Hold me in your thoughts
Take me to your dreams
Touch me as I fall into view
When the winter comes
Keep the fires lit
And I will be right next to you
Engine driver's headed north up to Pleasant Stream
Keep me in your heart for a while
These wheels keep turnin' but they're runnin' out of steam
Keep me in your heart for a while
Normally I am okay with it and I was for a long time. If I remember correctly back on May 4th I decided to move the blog to avoid stepping on anyone’s toes and it was a rather hard decision to make. At the time, I didn’t move it. I kept on and stuck to my principles which are I’m going to write and you can do whatever the hell you want with it. Well people couldn’t control themselves and though I do have the bad habit of stirring the shit every once and a while; I really tried to stay true to myself and the woman I love and keep on track and just go on living. Which is exactly what we’re doing, but these other people are not. They’re either stuck in some past that isn’t there anymore or they’re just torturing themselves for no reason. The point being is that they were seeking me out, not vice versa and their feelings were hurt and they made up things that didn’t happen and decided in their own minds who I am.
The funny thing is that I kept it so light until the end there. I live my life by a certain standard and at this old age and after living for as long as I have, as unhappy as I was, I don’t have time for anger or drama in my life now. I just don’t. And I get angry at myself for getting angry and allowing those negative feelings to drown out my reason and I posted things in anger that I shouldn’t have. Though I also posted something rather inspirational and understanding, all anyone wants to see is the negative side reflected.
It’s a weird thing that happens that I’ve been talking about for a while now with our whole retarded double standard ridden society. None of us want to be judged, yet these people feel all the need in the world to judge others and then when you hold up the mirror in front of their face you’re the world’s biggest asshole. And this is a problem with lots of people, not just these few I am now speaking. Our entire society judges women on the way they look, especially if they’re on tv, and we all want to cast our judging eyes outward yet we’ve hardly the strength to look within to see how we’re actually behaving ourselves. That being said, I have really been on my best behavior throughout this whole stupid boring ordeal, give or take a couple of nights in anger where I posted some stupid things, to later take them down. I really have tried to live my life and be the bigger person and just let it all slide. I mean, haven’t we personally been through enough bullshit in this life?
Does life last forever? No, it does not and we are getting older and some people need to get a fucking clue and get over themselves and understand that this isn’t something that’s just happening and some passing thing. It’s real and here.
I’ve spent a good part of my life dealing with my own anger. Anger at myself mostly, but also friends, family, this country and I’ve come to the point now where I don’t have time for it. I don’t want it in my life. I spent so long being sad and angry at myself, at the world; I now realize that was all time wasted.
Though I did wait just long enough to find the right one. And find the right one I did.
And let me tell you, friends, she’s more than even I could have dreamed and I’ve spent my whole life in a dream that I always trying to grasp, but she is a dream one does not wake from because she is real. And let me tell you about her.
First is that she is completely amazingly beautiful. She makes me feel at home within my own skin which no one has ever done before. She has taught me how to smile. She shows me the world is not a cruel and random thing. That all is not chaos and there is rhyme and there is reason. Her eyes send arrows of beauty and life and light into my once very darkened heart. My heart was once a room without doors or windows where no light penetrated and no one could enter nor exit. She tore down those walls. She has taught me the meanings of love. She lays with her head on my chest just so and she’ll laugh when I say something dumb and when we’re together, it’s like no one else even exists and time itself seems to halt. The first night I spent with her was downtown amongst thousands of spectators though I only noticed the one. and she did as well.
We don’t really do much other than be together and it’s so organic and simple and it was even from the first time so natural. She’ll touch my arm and all is warm and all is well and the heart flutters flutters flutters. We have a hard time trying to watch tv or a movie at home because other things start to happen, what seems like always. She’s bright. She’s funny. Most importantly she’s got such a good heart and such a wonderful soul and all of my belief is in this person and in the reality that this will work. I’ve got a strong back and my mind is fit. I can labor on and on for you babydoll and I will.
It’s now June 5th. In 22 days I turn 30. A big feat going to be tackled. We’re going to do some traveling. She wants to see where I was born. I want to show her the town of my birth. The town that haunts me yet and carries over into every song or every word I write or world I dream. I want this life to begin, I am ready. 30 years gone. Man, what a thought. 30 years gone that aren’t coming back. 30 years. A lot can happen, a lot has happened. I’ve lived and I’ve died and been born again and again. I say out loud to no one in particular, thank you for that sun. Thank you for my time on this earth. Thank you for knowing me. Thank you for loving me. I am so fortunate to be alive and I am ready for this world. I am ready to grow old. I am ready to watch our children run around. I say thank you for the birds. Thank you for that blue sky. Thank you for helping me cope with my broken heart. Thank you for not letting me die all those times I tried and willed it. God, I am willing now do not let me go do not let me down.
So I haven’t given up hope but I feel like I should mention it. My cat, Thelonius Monkey has been gone for 5 days now and I don’t know if he’s coming back. There are coyotes here and there a lot of cats too but he went out Sunday morning and hasn’t been back. This cat, one tough motherfucker, who just turned 5 and lived with me in probably 5 different towns and cities. My cat. My buddy. My tough motherfucker who used to bring home birds and kangaroo rats and any other god damned thing. I love you, buddy. Please come back.
Thinking of that and all of what I’ve typed I sort of came up with the beginning of my funeral playlist. I know it’s a little morbid but I think it’s important think about it and get it out there. Especially if something happens to you. It’s important to talk about what you want done with your body if you die. How you want to be buried and cremated. Or whether or not you want to be left on life-support indefinitely. If you want your organs to be donated. For me, I want my organs donated, I want to be cremated and spread across the Carrizo Plain. Do not keep me on some machine. Let me go. But anyway, here’s the list so far.
Sleepwalk---Santo and Johnny.
What a Wonderful World---Louis Armstrong
Imagine---John Lennon
Man of the Hour---Pearl Jam.
Keep Me in Your Heart---Warren Zevon
Pancho and Lefty---Townes Van Zandt.
remember the mountain bed---wilco (as written by my beloved woody guthrie)
(Maybe as a joke Pop that pussy by 2 live crew and With Arms wide open by Creed)
Well.
D
Shadows are fallin' and I'm runnin' out of breath
Keep me in your heart for a while
If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for a while
When you get up in the mornin' and you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for a while
There's a train leavin' nightly called "When All is Said and Done"
Keep me in your heart for a while
Sha-lalala-lala-li-lalala-lo
Keep me in your heart for a while
Sha-lalala-lala-li-lalala-lo
Keep me in your heart for a while
Sometimes when you're doin' simple things around the house
Maybe you'll think of me and smile
You know I'm tied to you like the buttons on your blouse
Keep me in your heart for a while
Hold me in your thoughts
Take me to your dreams
Touch me as I fall into view
When the winter comes
Keep the fires lit
And I will be right next to you
Engine driver's headed north up to Pleasant Stream
Keep me in your heart for a while
These wheels keep turnin' but they're runnin' out of steam
Keep me in your heart for a while
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
oh E, you do it again
The Longing, The Eels
The longing is a pain
A heavy pressure on my chest
It rarely leaves
My day becomes a quest
to try not to think about her
And all that she brings
Forget about her magic
All the beautiful things
surely there are other things to life
but i cant think of one single thing
that matters more
than just to see her
her smile
her touch
her smell
her laugh
the longing is a friend
a way to stay close
and feel like she's here
and feel like she knows
that when i say i would die for her
it's not just words
i really would
and to make the world a safer place for her
well i believe i really could
surely there are other things to life
but i cant think of one single thing
that matters more
than just to see her
her tears
her sorrow
her faults
her doubt
.....
i love them all.
The longing is a pain
A heavy pressure on my chest
It rarely leaves
My day becomes a quest
to try not to think about her
And all that she brings
Forget about her magic
All the beautiful things
surely there are other things to life
but i cant think of one single thing
that matters more
than just to see her
her smile
her touch
her smell
her laugh
the longing is a friend
a way to stay close
and feel like she's here
and feel like she knows
that when i say i would die for her
it's not just words
i really would
and to make the world a safer place for her
well i believe i really could
surely there are other things to life
but i cant think of one single thing
that matters more
than just to see her
her tears
her sorrow
her faults
her doubt
.....
i love them all.
I am having a relapse
Damn, it feels so good to back. I feel like having a relapse.
It is the end of a wondrously good Tuesday night. I sit here a happy man. So many great things have transpired in the past month and now I can share them with you all without restraint or without wondering who’s going to misconstrue what or who’s going to make a situation out of a non-situation. But for now, we can take the time and stretch our legs and get reacquainted with one another like we haven’t met before.
My nights recently and days for that matter, have been spent in extreme desire and passion. From parking lot to empty desert to crowded movie theater; it abounds all. My nights have been spent staying up late on Monday nights and going to the record store for the midnight sale of the new releases that come out on Tuesday. So far over the past few weeks I got the new Jason Lytle record. Last night was the new Rancid, the new Dave Matthews Band, the new Manson (came out last week), and the new eels record.
There is something so satisfying about this, I must say. Many things, actually. The first thing is; to me, waiting for something you’ve been waiting for, for so long to come out that you go out and seek it out and hunt it down and hold it in your hands is amazing. The other thing is standing there in the record store with the other music dorks waiting around for them to announce it’s time to get your record buying on. And I use the term dork not lightly. These are music geeks. The other great thing too is standing around with her and seeing her smile and wait like the rest of us for her new cd (The DMB disc. Those of you who know me, know I think he’s brilliant, just not into his music.) There’s something about her getting as excited as me about a new record that’s just amazing and warms my heart to no end.
I should also say that over the course of the past month I’ve also purchased the new Iron & Wine b-sides record (almost a waste of money since I already had nearly all of the tracks), the new Bob Dylan (the best thing about it is the title, Together Through Life.) the new Eminem out of morbid curiosity (not bad) and a bunch of singles from Townes Van Zandt. (very good.) oh and the new Manchester Orchestra which is pretty good not great.
I’d say of the few records that I’ve given a lot of time and attention to so far, the Jason Lytle record is absolutely amazing though it is also very very lonely. It reminds me of myself in a way, which is why I’ve always loved him. The entire record is about being alone and it’s funny, because when I go back to read my old blogs, they are all about that as well. Oddly, the new Eminem as well has provided endless entertainment. The guy has basically lost his mind and then got it back again and wrote a crazy insane genius record. Also from the very little I’ve heard, the new eels and the new Manson record are really really good too.
That’s another great thing about music, I just realized. Turning someone you love onto your music and they onto theirs. It’s a great connection to be had if you haven’t had it yet.
So there’s been that going on, as well as going to movies a few times. So far in the past month or so, we’ve seen The Soloist. (Wasn’t great.) Tyson, the documentary about Mike Tyson which was surprisingly compelling and somewhat informative, if not too short. Also a Mexican made movie called Sin Nombre that was very good but falls into the overly used cliché at the end. I think I may be forgetting one, maybe not, but we went to the midnight premiere last week of Drag me to hell which was a lot of fun but not really what I was expecting.
I played a show at the beginning of last month that turned out to be one of the best nights I’d ever had in my life. I can’t go into too many specifics, but I played a show, drank some beer with my love, and later ate a BLT after a wonderful parking lot make out session. Well, I guess that was a bit specific.
I’m sorry to report, friends: that old me you were used to is somehow now almost gone and forgotten entirely. If that’s at the expense of being bored, then so what. I sure as hell lived my life the other way for years and now that I’ve gained some happiness in my life, I’m not looking back. I can’t afford to.
I kinda feel like we should ease into this new format. Like we’re dating. I’ve got so many stories and so many things to say that this blog will be up and running yet and for a long long time. So settle in. take care. And you know I’ll always be back.
At the end of this month I hit a landmark. At the end of this month I turn 30 years of age. To be honest, I never really truly believed I’d make it this long. Even if you asked me 6 months ago, I’d say it was sketchy at best. Now. Well now, friends. You might not like me now. These really are the last days of the suicide kid. At least for now.
It is the end of a wondrously good Tuesday night. I sit here a happy man. So many great things have transpired in the past month and now I can share them with you all without restraint or without wondering who’s going to misconstrue what or who’s going to make a situation out of a non-situation. But for now, we can take the time and stretch our legs and get reacquainted with one another like we haven’t met before.
My nights recently and days for that matter, have been spent in extreme desire and passion. From parking lot to empty desert to crowded movie theater; it abounds all. My nights have been spent staying up late on Monday nights and going to the record store for the midnight sale of the new releases that come out on Tuesday. So far over the past few weeks I got the new Jason Lytle record. Last night was the new Rancid, the new Dave Matthews Band, the new Manson (came out last week), and the new eels record.
There is something so satisfying about this, I must say. Many things, actually. The first thing is; to me, waiting for something you’ve been waiting for, for so long to come out that you go out and seek it out and hunt it down and hold it in your hands is amazing. The other thing is standing there in the record store with the other music dorks waiting around for them to announce it’s time to get your record buying on. And I use the term dork not lightly. These are music geeks. The other great thing too is standing around with her and seeing her smile and wait like the rest of us for her new cd (The DMB disc. Those of you who know me, know I think he’s brilliant, just not into his music.) There’s something about her getting as excited as me about a new record that’s just amazing and warms my heart to no end.
I should also say that over the course of the past month I’ve also purchased the new Iron & Wine b-sides record (almost a waste of money since I already had nearly all of the tracks), the new Bob Dylan (the best thing about it is the title, Together Through Life.) the new Eminem out of morbid curiosity (not bad) and a bunch of singles from Townes Van Zandt. (very good.) oh and the new Manchester Orchestra which is pretty good not great.
I’d say of the few records that I’ve given a lot of time and attention to so far, the Jason Lytle record is absolutely amazing though it is also very very lonely. It reminds me of myself in a way, which is why I’ve always loved him. The entire record is about being alone and it’s funny, because when I go back to read my old blogs, they are all about that as well. Oddly, the new Eminem as well has provided endless entertainment. The guy has basically lost his mind and then got it back again and wrote a crazy insane genius record. Also from the very little I’ve heard, the new eels and the new Manson record are really really good too.
That’s another great thing about music, I just realized. Turning someone you love onto your music and they onto theirs. It’s a great connection to be had if you haven’t had it yet.
So there’s been that going on, as well as going to movies a few times. So far in the past month or so, we’ve seen The Soloist. (Wasn’t great.) Tyson, the documentary about Mike Tyson which was surprisingly compelling and somewhat informative, if not too short. Also a Mexican made movie called Sin Nombre that was very good but falls into the overly used cliché at the end. I think I may be forgetting one, maybe not, but we went to the midnight premiere last week of Drag me to hell which was a lot of fun but not really what I was expecting.
I played a show at the beginning of last month that turned out to be one of the best nights I’d ever had in my life. I can’t go into too many specifics, but I played a show, drank some beer with my love, and later ate a BLT after a wonderful parking lot make out session. Well, I guess that was a bit specific.
I’m sorry to report, friends: that old me you were used to is somehow now almost gone and forgotten entirely. If that’s at the expense of being bored, then so what. I sure as hell lived my life the other way for years and now that I’ve gained some happiness in my life, I’m not looking back. I can’t afford to.
I kinda feel like we should ease into this new format. Like we’re dating. I’ve got so many stories and so many things to say that this blog will be up and running yet and for a long long time. So settle in. take care. And you know I’ll always be back.
At the end of this month I hit a landmark. At the end of this month I turn 30 years of age. To be honest, I never really truly believed I’d make it this long. Even if you asked me 6 months ago, I’d say it was sketchy at best. Now. Well now, friends. You might not like me now. These really are the last days of the suicide kid. At least for now.
Monday, May 4, 2009
change
Cat out of the bag. Ton of bricks dropped. Yes, it’s true after almost 4 full years; I can’t believe it’s been that long. Seems like it was just the other day I was living in Bakersfield in a house with my office with the window that faced the street and I first stumbled on to myspace. The idea of blogging seemed strange and novel at the time and I laugh when I read back to first dozen or so blogs. They’re all about music or making music or things that just happened to be going on during that time. Most of that first year of blogging, 2005-2006, was all sort of banal subjects or me talking politics or just whatever was on my mind at the time. Then it all rapidly changed in June 2006 when my 2 year long relationship imploded. Then it became a confessional. It became a way to survive. I felt so broken inside for so long.
The blog became a sort of immersion therapy. It became a way to make my feelings known. To let friends see what I was dealing with at any given moment. Sober, drunk, loaded, unloaded, happy, miserable, all the while dealing with my broken heart. The blog became a tool by which to better understand myself. It’s weird to look too, if you go back over all the old archives, the waves, the peaks and valleys, and all the while; the constant yearning, the broken heart, the melancholy. It has always been touch and go, at best and it’s been a lot of miles. There are parts of my life that were very extreme. Either very happy or very sad and it’s all been documented on here.
I’ve always said and practiced the fact that I indeed do wear my heart on my sleeve. Every feeling, every moment, every embarrassment, every new relationship or old ones that imploded; I’ve discussed here. Every childhood memory of childhood despair.
Then we must flashback to the summer of 2008. I call it inevitably growing up a little but also, with the aid of the tremendously beautiful HBO show called Six Feet Under, I start to feel a change coming. I begin to understand that it’s all right who I am. That in actuality I’m really a good person that just is too honest and emotionally honest. That comes from the whole argument of not understanding the concept of emotional boundaries as a child that had a less than stellar upbringing.
I finally gain the understanding that we are not guaranteed tomorrow in this life and this life is all there is. The people in our lives better be people well worth having around and this meant for me, cutting a few lose that weren’t really healthy people to have as friends. I learn that the only ways we live on after we’re dead is either through our children or the memories and love we leave behind to the people in our lives. I learned that you need to properly gauge what in this life you want. What kind of life do you want? I learned that what I want is to live a good life and not hurt anyone. That what I want is to be loved and love a girl equally. I learned that you should what get you pay into people. That what I want are children. Happiness.
And I learned that these things are not easy to come by. They are not guaranteed but I’ve learned that I am able and willing to work for these things. Better than that, I realized I deserve a little happiness myself. No need to always want to be the big nothing. It’s taken me years and it’s a daily process but I’ve slowly let go the guilt I carried around. And when you look back at 4 years of blogs, you can see that this struggle was not easy.
I believe change is good even when it hurts like hell or is scary or ventures into unknown directories. I believe that we all have a karmic debt we pay into and detract from. I believe sooner or later karma will come to collect if you’ve done something bad. Which is why I try to live an honest life. It’s taken me this long to learn these things. I’m sprinting towards 30 scared as hell of the world out there, but longing to meet it headlong anyway.
I think at a certain age, for me it’s been this year that you basically become the person you’re always going to be. I’m always going to be this boy who wears his heart on his sleeve and awes the wonder of beauty in this world. Age after a time literally just becomes another number when your experiences that make you or your personality, or your beauty, will always be self evident. I had this conversation the other day where my friend and I recently discovered that we’re actually pretty cool as people and very in tune with our feelings and likes and dislikes. It took long enough.
Most people never find themselves and I’m fortunate to have at least acknowledged that my whole life. All the while, revealing more and more about myself to myself along the way. Putting more of the puzzle pieces together as I go. I’m an intelligent sensitive human with a lot of love to give. Now, group hug.
We go through this life and no one’s perfect. It seems like many people are unhappy. I find myself that often. But I look for ways to change it. Or I at least acknowledge and understand that the thing making me unhappy is something I know is bad for me. We owe it to ourselves as sons and daughters of this brittle round world to find happiness. If we are the person or the thing bringing the unhappiness to the other person or thing; we should understand when we are cut lose. We should know that sometimes the hardest lesson of love is knowing that really loving someone sometimes is letting them go.
I realized I have bared my soul nakedly the past 4 years on this site. The blog and site itself in recent months has hit a spike in amount of views of visits. Someone out there is reading this thing and I can only hope in some way they’ve learned something from me. I can only say that this thing is like something I want to walk away from but I don’t know if I will ever be able to.
As people we grow every day. We listen with our hearts. We face the wind and we wait. We make use of this life. Find it. What other tale to tell is there? Find it. Are you there? Do you see? Our hearts are pure. All intentions served as good and just. Our innocence should not go unnoticed nor unchecked. For this is my heart. These are the things I can offer. Write down in the ledger book of time where you were and where you are going. Draw for me, baby, a map of the world and point to me where we are. Write your name in the moist sand and watch the ocean reclaim. I’ve got naught to do but wait.
Dream for me the world anew and make it just so. Remember. Make a litany of your love. Polish the stones with your memory. Sing for me those sparrow songs. Cast your doubt aside. Wake me from my slumber with a kiss. Wipe the dust from my brain.
Keep me in your heart for a while.
The blog became a sort of immersion therapy. It became a way to make my feelings known. To let friends see what I was dealing with at any given moment. Sober, drunk, loaded, unloaded, happy, miserable, all the while dealing with my broken heart. The blog became a tool by which to better understand myself. It’s weird to look too, if you go back over all the old archives, the waves, the peaks and valleys, and all the while; the constant yearning, the broken heart, the melancholy. It has always been touch and go, at best and it’s been a lot of miles. There are parts of my life that were very extreme. Either very happy or very sad and it’s all been documented on here.
I’ve always said and practiced the fact that I indeed do wear my heart on my sleeve. Every feeling, every moment, every embarrassment, every new relationship or old ones that imploded; I’ve discussed here. Every childhood memory of childhood despair.
Then we must flashback to the summer of 2008. I call it inevitably growing up a little but also, with the aid of the tremendously beautiful HBO show called Six Feet Under, I start to feel a change coming. I begin to understand that it’s all right who I am. That in actuality I’m really a good person that just is too honest and emotionally honest. That comes from the whole argument of not understanding the concept of emotional boundaries as a child that had a less than stellar upbringing.
I finally gain the understanding that we are not guaranteed tomorrow in this life and this life is all there is. The people in our lives better be people well worth having around and this meant for me, cutting a few lose that weren’t really healthy people to have as friends. I learn that the only ways we live on after we’re dead is either through our children or the memories and love we leave behind to the people in our lives. I learned that you need to properly gauge what in this life you want. What kind of life do you want? I learned that what I want is to live a good life and not hurt anyone. That what I want is to be loved and love a girl equally. I learned that you should what get you pay into people. That what I want are children. Happiness.
And I learned that these things are not easy to come by. They are not guaranteed but I’ve learned that I am able and willing to work for these things. Better than that, I realized I deserve a little happiness myself. No need to always want to be the big nothing. It’s taken me years and it’s a daily process but I’ve slowly let go the guilt I carried around. And when you look back at 4 years of blogs, you can see that this struggle was not easy.
I believe change is good even when it hurts like hell or is scary or ventures into unknown directories. I believe that we all have a karmic debt we pay into and detract from. I believe sooner or later karma will come to collect if you’ve done something bad. Which is why I try to live an honest life. It’s taken me this long to learn these things. I’m sprinting towards 30 scared as hell of the world out there, but longing to meet it headlong anyway.
I think at a certain age, for me it’s been this year that you basically become the person you’re always going to be. I’m always going to be this boy who wears his heart on his sleeve and awes the wonder of beauty in this world. Age after a time literally just becomes another number when your experiences that make you or your personality, or your beauty, will always be self evident. I had this conversation the other day where my friend and I recently discovered that we’re actually pretty cool as people and very in tune with our feelings and likes and dislikes. It took long enough.
Most people never find themselves and I’m fortunate to have at least acknowledged that my whole life. All the while, revealing more and more about myself to myself along the way. Putting more of the puzzle pieces together as I go. I’m an intelligent sensitive human with a lot of love to give. Now, group hug.
We go through this life and no one’s perfect. It seems like many people are unhappy. I find myself that often. But I look for ways to change it. Or I at least acknowledge and understand that the thing making me unhappy is something I know is bad for me. We owe it to ourselves as sons and daughters of this brittle round world to find happiness. If we are the person or the thing bringing the unhappiness to the other person or thing; we should understand when we are cut lose. We should know that sometimes the hardest lesson of love is knowing that really loving someone sometimes is letting them go.
I realized I have bared my soul nakedly the past 4 years on this site. The blog and site itself in recent months has hit a spike in amount of views of visits. Someone out there is reading this thing and I can only hope in some way they’ve learned something from me. I can only say that this thing is like something I want to walk away from but I don’t know if I will ever be able to.
As people we grow every day. We listen with our hearts. We face the wind and we wait. We make use of this life. Find it. What other tale to tell is there? Find it. Are you there? Do you see? Our hearts are pure. All intentions served as good and just. Our innocence should not go unnoticed nor unchecked. For this is my heart. These are the things I can offer. Write down in the ledger book of time where you were and where you are going. Draw for me, baby, a map of the world and point to me where we are. Write your name in the moist sand and watch the ocean reclaim. I’ve got naught to do but wait.
Dream for me the world anew and make it just so. Remember. Make a litany of your love. Polish the stones with your memory. Sing for me those sparrow songs. Cast your doubt aside. Wake me from my slumber with a kiss. Wipe the dust from my brain.
Keep me in your heart for a while.
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