the beginning of my 30th year

Maybe in a sense, we’re all a little bit crazy. I know, I myself, have a few screws loose, but most of you wouldn’t have me any other way. At any other time. To start your life over at 37 must be something so difficult I cannot even imagine the rate and depth. Just really to start your life over at any age is hard and a lot of the time scary. For me, it’s like I am just finally starting my life at the ripe old age of 30. So many things have changed, so many things changing, so many good things happening.

It really feels like for the first time in my life I am happy genuinely and without condition or restraint. Don’t know if you know this or not, but things are a lot better happy than when you’re unhappy. Simple things, like eating a meal are actually enjoyable. In a sense it’s funny that I just turned 30 and am sort of growing up a little. Remember, I’m the boy who always said he’d stay young and dumb inside. It’s funny because I am a 30 year old man who still loves Batman and watching the occasional vintage wrestling match. I still have a hard time sleeping away from home or, for that matter, sleeping at all. But I’ve always been that way. Even when I was a child. Just always a beast who always had problems falling and staying asleep.

Have you ever gone to the library and taken a look at the newspapers from the day you were born? You know the ones on microfilm that you have to spin the thing for each new page. I did that once. Long ago. When I was younger, like from the ages of 18-21 I was very poor. I never really had a job. I just loafed about toiling away my days at the junior college. I literally lived off of 2 dollars a day. That and the trade my friends would get from the radio station they worked at for the awful John’s Burgers. But 2 dollars a day meant I could get 2 whopper juniors at Burger King or any variant of the 99 cent menu. I walked everywhere because I didn’t have a car. I hardly slept. I spent most of my time hanging out with people that I thought I’d be friends with forever. It turns out that wasn’t the case, but still. In those times, they were the most important people in my life. Shit, they were my laugh. In a way, I look back on those days fondly, as the salad days of my life. True, I was excruciatingly poor and hungry all the time, but I was free. I did whatever I wanted. Wrote countless songs and stories and poems. Slept little or too much. Read all the time and watched movies like there was no tomorrow. A simple life. A poor life. But I believed in my Buddhist way that that was how you found peace or god or happiness or artistry.

But I also spent a lot of time at the library. This was in the days before DSL or high speed internet was affordable, so I’d go to the library to do my webbing. So one day I decided to see what was going on in the world when I was born. I just remember being surprised how many drive in movie theaters there was in Bakersfield at that time. Also the Gas Shortage thing was going on. Something to do with Iran and gas rationing. Nothing much of note that happened. Much like my birthdays to be.

Of course around your birthday you start to think about aging and maybe even a little about death and what that’s like. But also, I thought about my kids. I wonder how they’ll be. What kind of personalities will they have? Will they even like me? Do I have enough love to give them? Will I be a total fuckup or will he like Batman also? Will he/she like music and film as much as me? Will they be jocks? You do little things too. Like you wonder what color their eyes will be. Color of hair. Will you be blessed and they take after you looks wise or will you be screwed and they take after their grandparents. I’m getting older and it’s natural to wonder about these things. And it’s a wondrous thought indeed, but thought provoking nonetheless.

Like you wonder if they’d get along with their siblings. I didn’t get along with mine in the least bit. Mostly you just wonder if you’ll be enough. That’s a thought that comes around often enough.

Have you ever met that person that sets your heart ablaze? I have.
Have you ever kissed someone just so, and the world seemed righted at last? I have.
The beginning and ending of each day for me are the same. I think of her. Wonder where she is, how she is. And why she isn’t with you. Inside I feel so alive, so grateful I am given this chance, this person. Someone who’s eyes sends shivers down my spine. I once was the tale of the big nothing filled with emptiness. Now I’m like someone who was in the water flailing about and someone has thrown me a preserver and pulled me out of the current. The big nothing now filled with love and tenderness and days upon days of smiles and laughter. Sometimes I feel like the words just don’t come through or come out right and there is no real way to say how thankful I am to know this person. To love this person. To have this person love me. But I am. I am and I am. Forever indebted to her. The woman of my dreams. The answer to my prayers. No more throw away mornings. No more regrettable nights. Sometimes when she is in my arms, I think of how lucky I am how lucky I am, how lucky I am. 9-10 years ago, I’d thought none of this possible.

This happiness. This twist in the tale. This love.

And now the moon is out. I am longing for her again. Every time she leaves…

I guess I began to think about kids when I read The Road for the first time back in 2006. The relationship the father and son have in that book is something of pure unadulterated love. A love I only imagined, didn’t know was possible.

Bruce Springsteen Book of Dreams
I'm standing in the backyardListening to the party InsideTonight I'm drinkin' in the forgivenessThis life providesThe scars we carry remain but the pain slips away it seemsOh won't you baby be in my book of dreamsI'm watchin' you through the windowWith your girlfriends from back homeYou're showin' off your dressThere's laughter and a toastFrom your daddy to the prettiest bride he's ever seenOh won't you baby be in my book of dreamsIn the darkness my fingers slip across your skinI feel your sweet replyThe room fades away and suddenly I'm way up highJust holdin' you to meAs through the window the moonlight streamsOh won't you baby be in my book of dreamsNow the ritual begins'Neath the wedding garland we meet as strangersThe dance floor is alive with beautyMystery and dangerWe dance out 'neath the stars' ancient light into the darkening trees