So let’s take the time to stretch our newly found legs and newly found freedom for a bit. After using Myspace for 4 years as a place to house my music, my blogs, the poetry of my heart, I had to shut it down. It got to the point where people who weren’t strong enough to just ignore me and my writing, kept on and kept on reading and making issues out of non-issues. I’ve always said and I’ve always felt that I write as though no one is reading or else I couldn’t write at all and I’ve always said that I can write about whatever I want and so I did. I said horrible things about myself, about my family, my country, ex-lovers. Now we come to recent history where there have been things going on, relationships ending, relationships beginning and those who don’t even know me began to spy and pry incessantly.
Normally I am okay with it and I was for a long time. If I remember correctly back on May 4th I decided to move the blog to avoid stepping on anyone’s toes and it was a rather hard decision to make. At the time, I didn’t move it. I kept on and stuck to my principles which are I’m going to write and you can do whatever the hell you want with it. Well people couldn’t control themselves and though I do have the bad habit of stirring the shit every once and a while; I really tried to stay true to myself and the woman I love and keep on track and just go on living. Which is exactly what we’re doing, but these other people are not. They’re either stuck in some past that isn’t there anymore or they’re just torturing themselves for no reason. The point being is that they were seeking me out, not vice versa and their feelings were hurt and they made up things that didn’t happen and decided in their own minds who I am.
The funny thing is that I kept it so light until the end there. I live my life by a certain standard and at this old age and after living for as long as I have, as unhappy as I was, I don’t have time for anger or drama in my life now. I just don’t. And I get angry at myself for getting angry and allowing those negative feelings to drown out my reason and I posted things in anger that I shouldn’t have. Though I also posted something rather inspirational and understanding, all anyone wants to see is the negative side reflected.
It’s a weird thing that happens that I’ve been talking about for a while now with our whole retarded double standard ridden society. None of us want to be judged, yet these people feel all the need in the world to judge others and then when you hold up the mirror in front of their face you’re the world’s biggest asshole. And this is a problem with lots of people, not just these few I am now speaking. Our entire society judges women on the way they look, especially if they’re on tv, and we all want to cast our judging eyes outward yet we’ve hardly the strength to look within to see how we’re actually behaving ourselves. That being said, I have really been on my best behavior throughout this whole stupid boring ordeal, give or take a couple of nights in anger where I posted some stupid things, to later take them down. I really have tried to live my life and be the bigger person and just let it all slide. I mean, haven’t we personally been through enough bullshit in this life?
Does life last forever? No, it does not and we are getting older and some people need to get a fucking clue and get over themselves and understand that this isn’t something that’s just happening and some passing thing. It’s real and here.
I’ve spent a good part of my life dealing with my own anger. Anger at myself mostly, but also friends, family, this country and I’ve come to the point now where I don’t have time for it. I don’t want it in my life. I spent so long being sad and angry at myself, at the world; I now realize that was all time wasted.
Though I did wait just long enough to find the right one. And find the right one I did.
And let me tell you, friends, she’s more than even I could have dreamed and I’ve spent my whole life in a dream that I always trying to grasp, but she is a dream one does not wake from because she is real. And let me tell you about her.
First is that she is completely amazingly beautiful. She makes me feel at home within my own skin which no one has ever done before. She has taught me how to smile. She shows me the world is not a cruel and random thing. That all is not chaos and there is rhyme and there is reason. Her eyes send arrows of beauty and life and light into my once very darkened heart. My heart was once a room without doors or windows where no light penetrated and no one could enter nor exit. She tore down those walls. She has taught me the meanings of love. She lays with her head on my chest just so and she’ll laugh when I say something dumb and when we’re together, it’s like no one else even exists and time itself seems to halt. The first night I spent with her was downtown amongst thousands of spectators though I only noticed the one. and she did as well.
We don’t really do much other than be together and it’s so organic and simple and it was even from the first time so natural. She’ll touch my arm and all is warm and all is well and the heart flutters flutters flutters. We have a hard time trying to watch tv or a movie at home because other things start to happen, what seems like always. She’s bright. She’s funny. Most importantly she’s got such a good heart and such a wonderful soul and all of my belief is in this person and in the reality that this will work. I’ve got a strong back and my mind is fit. I can labor on and on for you babydoll and I will.
It’s now June 5th. In 22 days I turn 30. A big feat going to be tackled. We’re going to do some traveling. She wants to see where I was born. I want to show her the town of my birth. The town that haunts me yet and carries over into every song or every word I write or world I dream. I want this life to begin, I am ready. 30 years gone. Man, what a thought. 30 years gone that aren’t coming back. 30 years. A lot can happen, a lot has happened. I’ve lived and I’ve died and been born again and again. I say out loud to no one in particular, thank you for that sun. Thank you for my time on this earth. Thank you for knowing me. Thank you for loving me. I am so fortunate to be alive and I am ready for this world. I am ready to grow old. I am ready to watch our children run around. I say thank you for the birds. Thank you for that blue sky. Thank you for helping me cope with my broken heart. Thank you for not letting me die all those times I tried and willed it. God, I am willing now do not let me go do not let me down.
So I haven’t given up hope but I feel like I should mention it. My cat, Thelonius Monkey has been gone for 5 days now and I don’t know if he’s coming back. There are coyotes here and there a lot of cats too but he went out Sunday morning and hasn’t been back. This cat, one tough motherfucker, who just turned 5 and lived with me in probably 5 different towns and cities. My cat. My buddy. My tough motherfucker who used to bring home birds and kangaroo rats and any other god damned thing. I love you, buddy. Please come back.
Thinking of that and all of what I’ve typed I sort of came up with the beginning of my funeral playlist. I know it’s a little morbid but I think it’s important think about it and get it out there. Especially if something happens to you. It’s important to talk about what you want done with your body if you die. How you want to be buried and cremated. Or whether or not you want to be left on life-support indefinitely. If you want your organs to be donated. For me, I want my organs donated, I want to be cremated and spread across the Carrizo Plain. Do not keep me on some machine. Let me go. But anyway, here’s the list so far.
Sleepwalk---Santo and Johnny.
What a Wonderful World---Louis Armstrong
Imagine---John Lennon
Man of the Hour---Pearl Jam.
Keep Me in Your Heart---Warren Zevon
Pancho and Lefty---Townes Van Zandt.
remember the mountain bed---wilco (as written by my beloved woody guthrie)
(Maybe as a joke Pop that pussy by 2 live crew and With Arms wide open by Creed)
Well.
D
Shadows are fallin' and I'm runnin' out of breath
Keep me in your heart for a while
If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for a while
When you get up in the mornin' and you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for a while
There's a train leavin' nightly called "When All is Said and Done"
Keep me in your heart for a while
Sha-lalala-lala-li-lalala-lo
Keep me in your heart for a while
Sha-lalala-lala-li-lalala-lo
Keep me in your heart for a while
Sometimes when you're doin' simple things around the house
Maybe you'll think of me and smile
You know I'm tied to you like the buttons on your blouse
Keep me in your heart for a while
Hold me in your thoughts
Take me to your dreams
Touch me as I fall into view
When the winter comes
Keep the fires lit
And I will be right next to you
Engine driver's headed north up to Pleasant Stream
Keep me in your heart for a while
These wheels keep turnin' but they're runnin' out of steam
Keep me in your heart for a while
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